Is it Normal to be 28 and Still Have Irrational Fears?

Most people have standard fears like snakes, spiders and small spaces but I am deathly afraid of gorilla costumes and mascots. That’s right – costumes. 

Back up! Do you know those goats that faint when they get scared or too excited? You’ve seen them I’m sure. If not – look up Fainting Goats on YouTube. I’ll wait. 

When I see a mascot or a person in a gorilla costume I become a Fainting Goat. My knees start to buckle, the room closes in and I start crying – I wish I didn’t cry. 

Let me give you some back story as to how these fears started. 

It All Started in Elementary School…

The gorilla costume fear dates back to elementary school. From kindergarten through second grade I attended one elementary school but in third grade, I was transferred to another. It was during the time at the first elementary school that my gorilla costume fear began

Aside: Looking back at it as an adult, this elementary school was kinda fucked up. 

One day, every year, the front office faculty would dress up in gorilla costumes. (This would be the secretary, the principal, the COUNSELOR, etc.) 

Then, randomly throughout the day, these fine individuals in their gorilla costumes would run around the school, bang on classroom windows or just come busting through the classroom door to run around the room. 

See you’d be a sweet-innocent 6-year-old working on your scissor skills, cursive or spelling and BAM! A fucking gorilla would start banging away on the classroom window. (Not that kind of banging! Jesus!) Or BAM, they’d come hauling ass running into and around the classroom. But the ABSOLUTE WORST part of the whole day was when the teacher would walk us down to the cafeteria. 

Cafeteria Torture

Shit got even weirder down there. All of the good little boys and girls would be lined up in a single file line and we would have to walk past a line of gorillas as they stood staring down at us. The students would be instructed to grab a banana off the table while a line of gorillas watched. You HAD to grab a banana too otherwise they would come after you. 

Oddly enough, my mom was volunteering at the school on one of the ‘gorilla’ days and she can confirm it was fucked up

Luckily the boundaries changed after 2nd grade and I was forced to go to another elementary school. Thank God! 

The Happiest Place on Earth… For Most People…

Fast forward to about 5th grade and we took a family trip (minus my dad) down to Disney World

While in Disney, my brother and I wanted to run around and see how many characters signatures we could get in our $12 Disney autograph journal. It was a lot of fun… until it wasn’t.

After collecting a decent amount, we spotted a bunch of the ‘evil’ characters lined up for autographs. This included Cruella de Vil, Jafar, Ursula, and a few others. Well, first up was Jafar and this mother fucker was scary looking. Legit, right out of the movies horrifying.  

So You’re a Tough Guy, Jafar

Ahead of me in line was a girl a couple of years younger than me (maybe 5) and she was TERRIFIED. Her mom pushed her along and encouraged her to approach Jafar to get a photo. Reluctantly she did it. I was so proud of her and I didn’t even know her!

However, as she turned around to walk back to her mother he started CHASING her!! This poor little girl screamed and went running back to her mom crying.

Well now, I’m up next and I realized I HAVE to keep my cool. I cannot under any circumstances let these scary fucking characters know I’m afraid of them. So I act tough. I get the signature and the photo and I hurry through. Obviously, I’m checking behind me to make sure none of the characters come at me while my back is turned and I wander back to my momma. Luckily, none of them did. Can you be traumatized by witnessing someone else’s trauma? I think that’s what happened here. It was trauma osmosis or something. 

After that, I was done with autographs, characters, and all mascots. Halloween is the worst. I want to love it but I don’t. If I can’t see your face, you scare me and I want to murder. But you’re in luck because I’ll just faint. Fight or flight my ass.

So there you have it. Those are my weird-ass phobias. What are some of your abnormal fears? 

(PS  Want to know some of Pearl’s fears?? She doesn’t have any. This dog has NO, NONE, ZERO, ZIP animal instincts. Thunderstorms – zero fucks. Fireworks – nadda. Earthquakes – sleeps right through ‘em. She does hate strangers and other dogs but I think that’s because she’s an introvert ;))  

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